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Home Fun Stuff Jokes Rated G Archives

Rated G Jokes Archives

Jokes Added 5/23/01

Sam met Joe on the street one day and was very surprised to see him out without his wife since Sam never went anywhere without her. Joe couldn't resist mentioning her absence to Sam. Sam said," I guess you didn't hear that my wife died.". Joe expressed his condolences to Sam and remarked "You must have been very close. You never went anywhere without her.". "Naw, we weren't that close" replied Sam "it was just that she was so ugly I couldn't stand to kiss her good-bye".
Submitted by: Diane2

Gone Fishing...

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
Submitted by: Eyelene

Q: Whats red and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket !
Submitted by: Melanie

Q: What did the 500 pound canary say?
A: Cheeeeeep!
Submitted by: Melanie (how stupid can it get? lol)

Why Parents Have Gray Hair...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"&nbsP;
"Yes" whispered the small voice.&nbsP;
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No". Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes" "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No" Knowing that it was not likely that the young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he wouldleave a message with the person watching the child. "Is there anyone there beside you?" the boss asked.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what the cop would be doing at his employee's house, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the fireman."
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter on the other end. He asked "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" the boss asked, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered " The search team just landed the hello-copter."
Alarmed, concerned, and frustrated, the boss asked "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering,the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "Me"
Submitted by: Diane2

NOW EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME:

"I won't get bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music, or see a cool pop up screen if I don't forward this. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me, and Ford will not give me a 50% percent discount even if I HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don't know who I am anyway. I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this....NEVER!!!! My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this. There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not GULLIBLE enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people. There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything. He died when he was 7 yrs old, but he is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS! The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week)that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character,or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool. The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of disease for every email address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations; they don't donate. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend...or by telling me I have no conscience or don't believe in GOD. Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself until you've memorized it, and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon, or you will be constipated for the next 3 months."
Submitted by: Dorothy

Breakdown...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Jokes Added 3/16/01

My daughter's joke:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
.... To get to the other side. Get it?
~Submitted by Emmylou

What did the floor say to the ceiling?
meet you at the corner!!!!!!!!
~ Submitted by Ann

Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a sheep with a porcupine?
They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
~ Submitted by Amanda

Knock, knock, whose there?
Me and you.
Me and you, who?
Me and you go out tonite.
~ Submitted by Harriette

What did the elephant say when they cut off his trunk?
(slowly shaking head and speaking nasal)
"Cute Thas real cute."
~ Submitted by Hazel

Three nurses die and go to St. Peter to request to enter the Pearly Gates of Heaven. The first one says "I served our Lord as a missionary nurse who rendered care to the ill and dying in Africa for my whole nursing career." St. Peter tells her to enter as she has earned her rest. The second one says "I took care of abandoned infants and children in the streets of New York City for several years. Then I founded a foster home to help raise those I couldn't find homes for." St. Peter tells her to enter as she has done much good. The third one says with great anxiety, "I was a Case Manager for a large insurance company." St. Peter considers her for several long moments as she grows more and more nervous, then he says "You may also enter Heaven.............but you can only stay for three days." ~ Submitted by Sandy

Jokes Added 9/29/00

Kissing Frogs

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." Submitted by - Porter

Dr. Seuss takes on the internet

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your Mom!
Submitted by - Ron

MOM'S JOB DESCRIPTION!!!!!!!

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.

Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pac mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassed the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Submitted by - KrissyJo

Subject: The Kirby Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a Kirby vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all trace of this horse manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

You know you're from Ohio if....

1."Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.

2.You measure distance in minutes.

3.Down south to you means Kentucky.

4.Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

5.Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

6.You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

7.You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

8.You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

9.You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?

10.You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

11.You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

12.You carry jumper cables in your car.

13.You know what pop is.

14.You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

15.Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

16.You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

17.The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but sports requires six pages.

18.You think that deer season is a national holiday.

19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

20.You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.

21.You find 20 degrees F "a little chilly".

22.You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.

23.You know if another Ohioian is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.

24.You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
Submitted by - KrissyJo

Diary - Personal Trainer

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. (He is something of a Greek God with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!) Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.) Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air....then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked my Explorer on top of a GEO in the club lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying). My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. (Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes). Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine....which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna sans laude from, you Nazi ). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my day planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun.....like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

For the Men: Humm, questionable chain letter

Don't give up on this one too soon!

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

Jokes Added 9/1/00

Here is the LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS....

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a Woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied,

"An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history........

FUNERAL PROCESSION

A woman was leaving a SEVEN-ELEVEN with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further. "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Jokes Added 8/11/00

NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH
Only in America.......

..Only in America - Can a pizza arrive at your house faster than an ambulance.

..Only in America - Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back counter to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy their cigarettes at the front.

..Only in America - Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a Diet Coke.

..Only in America - Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

..Only in America - Do we leave our cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

..Only in America - Do we use answering machines to screen our calls, then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

..Only on America - Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight or 12.

..Only in America - Do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" (sic) meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

..Only in America - Do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

Moral to all this:
Never be afraid to try something new; amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Dot Com

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.

And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so".

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

THEY NO LONGER NEEDED GOD

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!" Submitted by ~ DaleP6@aol.com

A woman in divorce court complained to the judge that her husband had not spoken to her in 20 years. The judge turned to the husband standing there, and demanded an explanation. He aquitted himself by saying, "I didn't want to interrupt her." Submitted by ~ DaleP6@aol.com

Jokes Added 7/14/00

Subject: Blonde joke

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Proof That Blond IS not a hair color but a state of mind......

I went to Mcdonalds. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 chicken Mcnuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. " We don't have a half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. = "You don't? I replied. We only have 6,9 or twelve was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets but I can order 6 ?" "Thanks right". So I shook my head and ordered 6 Mcnuggets.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".

I was in a car dealership a while back, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front end of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the" cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

Nothing up His Sleeve

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?"

The Lemon

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

Jokes Added 6/29/00

You're not having a bad day ... these people had bad days:

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from the on lookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving her with permanent severe brain damage.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record. His sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been turned off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

AND THE WINNER IS.......

6. An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion.

See, I told you that you weren't having a "BAD DAY!

Amazing

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . what?
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Oh, man, this is so bad it's good . . . scroll down
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A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Jokes Added 6/15/00

FINALLY! A SMART BLONDE JOKE!

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
-submitted by ?

SHE LOOKS AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/ Sleeping Beauty.

Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as a fat Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty with PMS and pimples, ie: UGLY - refuses to go out looking like this.

Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.

Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but too busy to fix it so she's going anyway.

Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes anyway.

Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to.

Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out & enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun.
-submitted by ?

NICE EXPRESSIONS TO DESCRIBE DUMB PEOPLE:

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
-submitted by ?

SUBJECT: MENTAL DISORDER

Welcome to the world of Mental Disorder.
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health institute.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:>
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press:
no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
-submitted by ?

Jokes Added 6/1/00

STAND BY YOUR MAN

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?"

What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"

Jokes Added 4/14/00

Language Barrier

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent.

"Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."
Submitted by: Bini

Random Thoughts

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Daylight savings time -- why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game,"when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Submitted by: Porter (Never thought I?d see the day when ?Rated G? and ?Porter? would go together, next thing ya know the skies will be filled with flying pigs?)

Communication Problems

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a large carport and have never really needed
one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Submitted by: unknown

Jokes Added 3/24/00

The Pope's Visit

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton
just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were discussing the Ten
Commandments." Submitted by: Lyn

Bangidy Bang

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training. When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."

The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant tells, him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab, stab."

Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real
battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft,
hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do.

As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an
enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead!

Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain.

All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him.

As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank." Submitted by: Lyn

It Figures...

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the US Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an
investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full
colonel.

Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno). His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.

He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's
degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient
qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a
doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a
favour by letting him keep his job by getting 'only' a master's degree.

So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of State College. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get
him his MA.

On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped
when he read John's name. "Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we'll be using?" he asked. "I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you're using," came the dry response. Submitted by: Lyn

Bad Day

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 322-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" Submitted by: Tina

What The Doctor Really Means

Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the is hoping you will give him a clue.

Says: "We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." or "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

Says: "Hmmmmmmmm."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is
trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)

Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

Says: "How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."

Says: "This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

Says: "This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

Says: "Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week." Submitted by: Tina

Kid's Say

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than................. ..........punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way. Submitted by: Tina

Frequently Asked Questions About HMO

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Submitted by: Tina

Want more? Just click here for page 2...

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